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A fine capital project brought to you by the Government of Canada


  Request for Proposal (RFP)

Canada Wall Project

  Date: November 9, 2016

  aussi disponible en français

1.     Summary and Background

As a result of the change in government in the United States, the Government of Canada (GoC) finds it necessary to take unusual measures to protect its frontier with the U.S. from incursions by U.S. citizens who:

  • Espouse similar views to the new President-elect
  • Are members of the National Rifle Association
  • Are named “Newt”

To this end, the GoC is requesting Proposals from qualified Canadian firms to construct two (2) separate walls along its borders.

2.     Proposal Guidelines

This Request for Proposal represents the requirements for an open and competitive process. Proposals will be accepted until 11:59 pm EST January 31, 2017.  Any proposals received after this date and time will be returned to the sender.  All proposals must be signed by an official agent or representative of the company submitting the proposal.

If the organization submitting a proposal must outsource or contract any work to meet the requirements contained herein, this must be clearly stated in the proposal. Additionally, all costs included in proposals must be all-inclusive to include any outsourced or contracted work.  Any proposals which call for outsourcing or contracting work must include a name and description of the organizations being contracted.

All costs must be itemized to include an explanation of all fees and costs.

Contract terms and conditions will be negotiated upon selection of the winning bidder for this RFP. All contractual terms and conditions will be subject to review by Ace Consulting legal department and will include scope, budget, schedule, and other necessary items pertaining to the project.

3.     Project Purpose and Description

The purpose of this project is as follows:

To build a Wall to keep out undesirable U.S. citizens in order to prevent them from spreading their hate, misogynistic, gun-happy and racist ideas north of the border (or east, in the case of Alaska).

Project Description:

The Government of Canada is looking for interested and qualified parties to submit a comprehensive and costed proposal to build two walls – total length of 6,786 kilometre –  along the borders of Canada and the United States. One along its southern contiguous border and one along the border with the State of Alaska.


  1. Wall must be constructed of materials that are long lasting, sustainable and durable.
  2. Height – no less than 8 metres at any point along the length of the wall.
  3. Thickness – no less than 1 metre.
  4. Access points – one every 100 kilometres. Design of access points must include provisions for guard station and passport, visa and security check facilities.

 4.     Project Scope

The scope of this project includes all design, development, building and quality testing, of Canada’s new Wall.

The selected bidder will be responsible for planning and conducting a thorough environmental and hydrogeological study of the immediate area where the Wall will be located. However, the GoC is committed to carry forward with this project even if Red-tailed hawks and rare tortoises are found nesting on the sites. All easements from First Nation Communities, municipalities, utilities and private landowners have already been obtained by the GoC (given the reason for the Wall, this process was remarkable quick and simple). 

5.     Request for Proposal and Project Timeline

Key dates:

  1. RFPs must be received at the date above by 11:59 pm, January 31, EST
  2. RFPs will be assessed by April 1, 2017 and successful proposal submission will be announced the following day.
  3. Construction must begin by November 8, 2017 and must conclude by November 8, 2019

 6.     Budget

All proposals must include proposed costs to complete the tasks described in the project scope. Costs should be stated as one-time or non-recurring costs (NRC) or monthly recurring costs (MRC).

NOTE: All costs and fees must be clearly described in each proposal.

7.     Bidder Qualifications

Bidders should provide the following items as part of their proposal for consideration:

  • Description of experience in planning and building walls
  • List of how many full time, part time, and contractor staff in your organization
  • Examples of 3 or more major walls designed and built by your organization (IKEA folding walls do not count)
  • Testimonials from past clients wall building
  • Anticipated resources you will assign to this project (total number, role, title, experience with walls)
  • A full testing plan to ensure wall integrity
  • Timeframe for completion of the project

8.     Proposal Evaluation Criteria

The GoC will evaluate all proposals based on the following criteria. To ensure consideration for this Request for Proposal, your proposal should be complete and include all of the following criteria:

  • Overall proposal suitability: proposed solution(s) must meet the scope and needs included herein and be presented in a clear and organized manner
  • Organizational Experience: Bidders will be evaluated on their experience as it pertains to the scope of this project
  • Previous work: Bidders will be evaluated on examples of their work pertaining to web site design and hosting as well as client testimonials and references
  • Value and cost: Bidders will be evaluated on the cost of their solution(s) based on the work to be performed in accordance with the scope of this project
  • Technical expertise and experience: Bidders must provide descriptions and documentation of staff technical expertise and experience
  • Each bidder must submit 5 copies of their proposal to the address below by January 31, 2017, at 11:59 pm EST:


Public Works and Government Services Canada

Wall Procurement Branch

Attention – Wall RFP coordinating unit

21 Sparks Street, Ottawa, ON, K6H W0W


I. Trashy. Am depleting the atmosphere. Kill me now.

Solar panels are draining the sun. Crap. Double crap.

This week, a scientific research facility in Wyoming made a startling discovery that is certain to change the way millions of Americans look at the environmentalism movement, after they found conclusive evidence that solar panels not only convert the sun’s energy into usable energy, but that they are also draining the sun of its own energy, possibly with catastrophic consequences far worse than global warming. Scientists at the Wyoming Institute of Technology, a privately-owned think tank located in Cheyenne, Wyoming, discovered that energy radiated from the sun isn’t merely captured in solar panels, but that energy is directly physically drawn from the sun by those panels, in a process they refer to as “forced photovoltaic drainage.” “Put into laymen’s terms, the solar panels capture the sun’s energy, but pull on the sun over time, forcing more energy to be released than the sun is actually producing,” WIT claims in a scientific white paper published on Wednesday. “Imagine a waterfall, dumping water. But you aren’t catching the water in buckets, but rather sucking it in with a vacuum cleaner. Eventually, you’re going to suck in so much water that you drain the river above that waterfall completely.”


They are.

Damned evil little devices.

I mean, it’s the SUN, man!

This one:

To put it simply, the Sun is as big as more than 1 million Earth masses put together. It is 1,287,000 times bigger than a solitary Earth. The Sun has a diameter of 1,392,000 km (865,000 miles) while the Earth’s diameter is only 12,742 km (7,918 miles). In terms of weight, the Sun is 333,000 times heavier than the Earth and accounts for 98% of all mass in the solar system. Following are some other fun and interesting facts about the Sun.

As in, the atmosphere… With every fricking breath, I’m draining it.

Why doesn’t someone stop me???


X predictions for MMXI

I. Ottawa City Council’s love-in with one another will end when the ATU threatens to strike in February. The Council is split between turning the whole transit system over to Blue Line taxi… and eliminating buses completely to replace them with red dirigibles piloted by OCDSB Trustees.

II. While meeting with Mayor Watson in March, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford inexplicably chugs a fifth of rye on camera, kicks the Watson in the shins and then seizes him in a headlock until Mayor Watson passes out. Ottawa City Council promptly declares Ottawa a “No Ford” zone which Don Cherry immediately decries as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

III. Also in March, Don Cherry will finally lose his job on HNIC after going berzerk – live and on camera – on the head of a CBC cameraman who happened to have a peace sign button pinned to his shirt.

PM Stephen Harper appoints Cherry to the Senate the very next day.

The next week, the Senate passes a dress code motion that prohibits loud and tacky attire in the Red Chamber. Cherry immediately decries this as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

IV. Stephen Harper will NOT be caught on YouTube doing hits from a bong.

Laureen, however, will be. The clip goes viral. The Prime Minister is informed that “viral” means a lot of people are viewing it. He is livid, blames Igantieff, then then drags a piano onto Sparks Street. Astounded tourists and pedestrians are treated to the sight of the prime Minister of Canada belting out Piano Man. In his pajamas. With his arm around Senator Cherry.

V. In the midst of an August election campaign forced by the Opposition, Laureen Harper joins Twitter under the pseudonym Lady LaLa. Under the influence of said substances in said bong, she begins a series of “tell-all” Tweets that bring about the resignations of 8 cabinet members. The media quickly dubs the Tweets HarpiLeaks.

VI. Julian Assange is cleared of all misdeeds and buys the rights to HarpiLeaks for an undisclosed sum. The following Friday, Assange is gunned down while attending an I/T security conference in Kitchener, Ontario. Rumours abound on the Hill that Harper himself ordered the hit. John Baird can not be reached.

VII. While on vacation in Ireland, ex Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams calls CBC News to disclose that John Baird showed up at his door raving about being framed by that bastard Flanagan. Somewhat surprisingly, Williams is hailed as a hero by a nation desperately in need of one.

VIII. In spite of HarpiLeaks, PLUS a leader gone ga-ga, PLUS an Interpol investigation of the Harper Cabinet involvement in the Assanage assassination PLUS a late campaign revelation that former GG Michaëlle Jean was blackmailed into allowing prorogation (the details of which will be revealed in MMXII)… the CPC STILL wins another minority government, losing 3 seats to the Bloq. Voter turnout is 12%.

IX. McGuinty wins another majority after receiving the blessing from the now national hero, Danny Williams. Voter turnout is 89%.

X. In November, Blue Line is awarded the City transit contract and the drivers immediately go on strike.

They are replaced by red dirgibles piloted by OCDSB Trustees that carry on the routes above the Transitway until they are replaced by the newly acquired F-35s – whose pilots were bored with chasing Russian turbo-props, weather balloons and Danish biplanes.

And then they strike after being forced to call out the stops.

Rob Ford states that this would have never happened in Toronto.

Senator Cherry immediately decries all of this as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

And Mayor Watson calls Larry to ask if he wants his old job back.

Larry declines.

Happy 2012!