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Why I’m happy to be a Canadian, Part II

When I’m bored, I wander around some of the American news outlet sites for my amusement. And I always find at least one item that makes me gag on my elitist latte. Tonight, reliable ol’ Fox News offers up this gem:

Nearly 4 in 10 Americans Say Natural Disasters Sign from God

Bwa-haa-haa!

That’s one damned vengeful omnipotent being they have down there! Wow! What could our American cousins have done to incur such WRATH??

Eric Metaxas, author of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About God, said that “according to the Bible, the world is NOT the way God wants it to be.”

Metaxas said he believes God created “a perfect world that somehow — in the Garden of Eden — became broken. … The rest of the Bible is the story of God trying to restore what was broken.”

Whoa! OK, who screwed around with God’s plan? Who is responsible for these earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis and all that stuff? Well, let’s let an expert explain that to us:
COULD it be  SATANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

I couldn’t find comparable numbers for we Canucks… but my hunch says that they would be even lower than the 14% of us who believe that humans played tennis with Dino the Dinosaur.

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True ’nuff – it really IS just a big photo-op.

Yeah, yeah… the Grits had their moments wasting money, but really… a BILLION ($1,000,000,000) dollars just to get a few votes?

A billion dollars might have been our national daycare program.

Or a whole shitload of medical equipment.

Or rapid transit between Calgary and Edmonton.

Or thousands of doctors and nurses.

Instead, Stevie gets to look all Prime Ministerial in front of some cameras.

How embarrassing for Canada.

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Lost – alternate endings…

I can so see Harpy in the role of Benjamin Linus… sneaky, manipulative and willing to eat his young to further his agenda.

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Those crazy Americans are at it yet again!

Yo. I’m willing to wager that if you read this blog at all, you are at the very least adequately intelligent and coherent to know that there are some people on this planet whose mere inhalations of air should be considered as theft. They should not be allowed to draw down any of the natural or produced capital that nature or we humans have provided.

Bob Marshall is one of these people.

The Drive-by Times reports that this wing-nut believes that:

women who have a first abortion are more likely to have children with disabilities. He described it as “nature doing its vengeance on subsequent children…”

But wait! There’s more! Here is what he has to say about rape:

Your origins should not be held against you [referring to the victim’s unborn child]. The woman becomes a sin-bearer of the crime, because the right of a child predominates over the embarrassment of the woman.

And birth control:

We’re against the IUD and pills, too. They don’t prevent ovulation and conception, they prevent implantation, which is abortion.

Late Monday, his office released a formal apology.

But I wonder how many Canadians hold these type of views… more than a few, I wager.

State and religion… they should never, ever be mixed! Even if the cause seems to be worthy on the outside, zealots always, ALWAYS have an ulterior motive!

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But brain still isn’t enough scrambled to vote for Harperites the !

I had a bit of a scare yesterday.

It was decided yesterday morning that it was a good day to introduce the youngest (2 yr old) subunit to skating. After all, if he is to lead the Leafs to victory in 2035, he should learn as soon as possible, right?

Typical Canadian family’s day: off to Canadian Tire, find some skates for the little guy, sharpened the other three pair and we were off to one of the many community rinks in the City. This one is particularly family-friendly as it is a long oval that encircles a full-size hockey rink.

Three of us lace on the blades – I stayed in boots for the first 20 minutes or so as I find bending over whilst holding up a toddler while on skates is way too hard on my lower back – and off we went. I was quite proud of the two kids. The smaller one did OK for his first time out. He fell down a lot and laughed about it. And my 6 yr old had a blast too. Until she hurt herself a bit later, which was right after…

I was a complete and utter moron…

First time out this year, ice that not free of ruts – calls for a take-it-easy kind of skate. Get used to the feel again, right?

Nooooooooooooooooo… not me….I have to be a big twit and try to show off in front of my kids! One second I am cruising along at a fair clip (well, for me), and the next thing I know I’m on the ice, seeing stars and momentarily unable to move! Scared the living crap outta me! Scared the living crap outta my wife and kids too! And the guy on the rink – who were all asking if I was OK. Apparently my head sounded like a 2X4 smacking the ice. My 6 year old asked if I was dead.

Once I had regained my senses, my head ached, my jaw was outta whack, my right elbow was killing me. I felt like I had just been hit by (the latest Leaf) Dion Phaneuf.  The look on my spousal unit’s face was unsettling as it seemed though she was expecting to be looking at a corpse!

Needless to say, I didn’t argue when she said that we get outta there and to the hospital tout de suite.

And here’s a funny thing about hospitals and head injuries: you don’t wait for long before being seen. I was registered and into the Urgent Care area within 20 minutes. Saw a nurse 10 minutes after that and a Doc a little bit later. After a series of tests he thought it best that I get a CT scan to ensure there wasn’t any swelling or bleeding. Who says that the health care system doesn’t work?

A while later, the Doc reported that all was clear and that I could go home. But I should expect headaches for a few days. He was correct.

The lessons learned here?

  • Don’t be an ass your first time on blades your first time out for the year. Take it slowly.
  • Get to the Doc if you do bang your head and lose consciousness – even only for a few moments
  • And, sigh, wear a helmet. My head is quite obviously as hard as a piece of granite but the force of the noggin hitting hard ice can, and could have done some serious damage.

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Those wacky gun nuts are at it again!

Just when I think that I have seen the most ridiculous thing ever to come from our neighbours to the south, along comes a new doosy-winner.

According to Metro, a candidate for South Carolina’s adjutant general – the dude in charge of the state’s national guard corps (whatever that is) – invited the public to join him for a round of shootin’… and a chance to win a brand new AK-47!!!  Yup, $25 gets ya  a BBQ, a clip of bullets for target practice and a chance to win the gun!

And 500 folks came out to join him!

I wonder if our politicos are paying any attention to this. But being that big guns that can literally cut a moose into two are frowned upon north of the 49th, they’d have to think of another grand prize…

  • Like a free ticket to one of Stevo’s anger management classes. Valid only for those 18+ or 12+ if from Alberta.
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Grrr... I'm angry... grrrrrrrrrr....

  • A lecture by Minister James Moore on why the Calgary Stampede is more culturally enriching than the now buried National Portrait Gallery. Anyone named Paul Dewar will be stopped at the door.
  • An inside look at the speech therapy classes being attended by Pierre Polievre… he’s been struggling to say anything not scripted by the PMO since ‘05.
  • A free workshop hosted by Tony Clement on “Using the “wet-look” to your advantage”. Cost of Bryl-cream not included.

Pretty damn tempting. Might even buy a ticket to one of these for the fun factor!

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Down the river without a visa…

By now, everyone has heard of the incredible story of the 3 year old who drove his mini- electric car into the river, floated with it downstream for 12 klicks and was none the worse for wear at the end of it all. When rescuers caught up with the boy, the truck had capsized and he was hanging on to the axle for dear life… so we think… but based on his first words said to the rescuers as he was plucked off the ad hoc plastic floatation device –  “where’s my truck”? –  I think he was more worried about losing his truck than being swept away down the river.

A rather practical decision, wouldn’t you say? Hold on to what is dear and don’t do anything stupid that may jeopardise it.  It’s kind of like a businessperson ensuring that his or her key clients are happy with the services or goods being provided… especially in economic downtimes.  Or a country that relies on tourism as a staple of its national economy. No government in their right mind would let go of their truck during a recession. When tourists from the biggest house on the block, the U.S., is way down and those coming from other countries are steady or rising.  Why put those relationships into risk.

Well, with the recent decision to demand visas from those visitors from nations like Mexico, the Harperites didn’t just lose their grip on the floating truck, the punched a hole in it, stuffed in some dynamite and blew it out of the water!

Using an escalating number of refugees as the reason for doing so, the Harper government has in one fell swoop, nailed another nail into the coffin of our already struggling tourism sector. Mexican tourists have been on the rise for the past few years but now you can pretty much kiss that bye-bye due to this, yet another, short-sighted policy.

NAFTA. The first two letters stand for North American, right? So we can declare the continent a free trade zone but rightfully put onerous visa requirements on Mexicans seeking maple syrup in Ottawa’s By-Ward Market? Where is the sense in that?

As they plan next winters’ vacations south, Canadians should expect the same from the Mexican government.

Thanks Stevo! Now you go on and climb back aboard your truck and revisit this decision. And soon!

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Things I’m wondering about…

When is punishment not punishment, but revenge? I was reading a number of the comments on the cbc.ca site that related to the horrendous abduction and murder of that little girl in Woodstock. Not at all surprising was the amount of anger in those comments.  To kill a child is a terrible and evil act and those responsible must be brought to justice.  But many on the site were calling for capital punishment. And again, this isn’t surprising given the nature of this crime.  But is this justice or simple revenge?  As a deterrent, we see by looking to our neighbours to the south that executing criminals doesn’t work.  And are we not letting them off rather easy? Regular readers will know that I’m not a believer in an afterlife per se so I don’t think these animals will be judged at some point after death.

‘Tis better to cage them up for the rest of their lives and effectively rather than literally taking away their right to exist.
I have a button stowed away somewhere that says: Why do we kill people to show that killing people is wrong.

But if my daughter was the victim, would I hold true to these beliefs?

o    Why do the Harperites insist on continuing these ridiculous attack ads? Do they not realise that the only segment of the voting population is that which would have already voted for them in any case? The only folks who believe the rubbish coming from the PMO are those who are one or all of the following:

o    From Alberta
o    From Saskatchewan
o    From B.C, outside of the urban areas
o    Low level of education
o    Rural residents
o    NASCAR fans
o    Robots

Now, don’t anyone flame me for suggesting that all folks from AB are NASCAR-lovin’ rednecks who have a poster of Stevie on their outhouse wall… I don’t mean that!

Anyhow, most of we Canucks are tired of these attacks. Let’s back away from that for a while and show some civility, shall we?

Hey – Justin Trudeau has a nice perspective on this matter too.

o    The Brian Mulroney Commission: Who cares!!! I personally didn’t much like the guy when he was PM but I’m watching the proceedings while sitting on a bike at GoodLife the other day and I watched a full 30 minutes of the “cross-examination” of ol’ Bri explaining that he DID pay taxes on the full amount just NOT in the taxation year in which he was given the funds! What? Is this the best scandal that we Canadians can dream up?

Drop it. There are more juicy things going on, like…

o    The Larry O’Brien criminal trial…. though from the sounds of things, the defence lawyer is tearing Kilrea a new hole on the stand.

I woulda loved to have been there today when Bulldog Baird took the stand.  I cannot stand that guy and would have liked to have seen him squirm a bit.

Is O’Brien guilty? Probably. Will he be judged so? Probably not. But it makes for good entertainment…

o      Lastly… dump Gary Bettman and bring in someone who has an ego smaller than Baffin Island and a hockey sense that is more developed than a Bedouin farmer.

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Totally unneccesary invasion of privacy!

I  need everyone who reads this to check out this blog entry by XUP.

I saw an article about this in the Globe the other day and the first thought to cross my mind was “why”?

Why is this technology needed?

I can see the YouTube vids now! EVERYTHING eventually ends up on YouTube! These pics, at the very least, will provide some jollies to more than a few security agents!

“Hey, Ralph, check out the kaboo-boos on this one, ain’t she a treat to the eyes?”
“Sure thing Herman, but ya should seen the bod on this chick that flew to Paris last week!”

Seriously, we have to question this hare-brained idea, and now. What is the impetus for this? Has there been a recent incident where a would-be terrorist has tried to sneak verboten items in his or her body cavities? Where is the “thing” that the CBSA (Can. Border Services Agency) can point to and say: “see – THIS is why we have to do this!”

I’d start a fb group decrying this but as I am a frequent flier, I fear I would be put on someone’s “list”.

Can you tell that I’m really pissed off about this?

Write your MP. Your MPP. Your Mom. Your psychic healer.

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Raindrops keep falling on my head…

Ever felt down? Down like your life is pretty much the biggest downer since Old Yeller got the lead put between his eyes? Like your theme song would be too depressing for The Smiths?

Well, thanks to my eldest and most heavily pierced subunit, I now have a place to go to make even my stinkiest days seem a little bit less stinky. Check out this site.

Called FMyLife, it’s kinda like Twitter but the posts have to point out the horriblenesss, pointlessness and worthlessness of the author’s life.

Here’s a taste:

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother’s day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said “You shouldn’t have, pancakes are fattening.” She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

FML standing for F*** my life.

So, if you are ever having a bad day, take a troll through one of these ditties… or better yet, you can sign up and tell the world just how f***ed your life is on that particular day!

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom’s snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom’s and he proceeded to tell me about this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That’s my mom. FML

ca_smiths_meat

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