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January 16th, 2013:

While I really don’t understand…

… why the Lance Armstrong thing has touched a sensitive chord for so many people, his coming-clean has inspired me to follow his lead and publicly admit to the following:

– As far back as the mid 1970’s, I engaged in blood doping activities. While the performance enhancing effects of the substances in question acts were, um, questionable, the fact remains that I may have ingested substances that may have aided my performance in Grade 11 American History and Grade 13 English Lit. I apologise to Mr. van der Valk and Mrs. Cardwell.

– As a child of 12 or so, I had a .22 that I used now and again to shoot at tin cans, trees, and the like. One day, I intentionally took aim at a chickadee, fully expecting to miss as I was a very poor shot. I did not. The bird was murdered. By me. I humbly beg the forgiveness of the bird’s family and PETA.

– When I was a kid, my parents made my brother and I trek to the end of our 500 metre long driveway in the evening to pick up the newspaper. I often bullied my little brother into doing this and then told my parents that I, in fact, fetched the paper. I apologise to my parents and my brother for this.

– I once drank a tequila shot in the wrong order – lime, salt, tequila. For this, I am utterly ashamed. I beg the forgiveness of Agave farmers everywhere.

– In 1982, during my Psych 201 mid-term, I deliberately and intentionally looked over the shoulder of the student next to me to see what she filled in as an answer to

Hans Selye coined this term to describe a common biological response pattern to prolonged or excessive stress.

I apologise to Trent University for doing this. And I apologise to the student from whom I disgracefully stole the answer.

I hope these heartfelt apologies bring some closure to those who I have wronged.

Now that all that is out of the way, I am supposed to inform someone named “Oprah”. Anyone have her email?