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January 3rd, 2011:

X predictions for MMXI

I. Ottawa City Council’s love-in with one another will end when the ATU threatens to strike in February. The Council is split between turning the whole transit system over to Blue Line taxi… and eliminating buses completely to replace them with red dirigibles piloted by OCDSB Trustees.

II. While meeting with Mayor Watson in March, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford inexplicably chugs a fifth of rye on camera, kicks the Watson in the shins and then seizes him in a headlock until Mayor Watson passes out. Ottawa City Council promptly declares Ottawa a “No Ford” zone which Don Cherry immediately decries as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

III. Also in March, Don Cherry will finally lose his job on HNIC after going berzerk – live and on camera – on the head of a CBC cameraman who happened to have a peace sign button pinned to his shirt.

PM Stephen Harper appoints Cherry to the Senate the very next day.

The next week, the Senate passes a dress code motion that prohibits loud and tacky attire in the Red Chamber. Cherry immediately decries this as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

IV. Stephen Harper will NOT be caught on YouTube doing hits from a bong.

Laureen, however, will be. The clip goes viral. The Prime Minister is informed that “viral” means a lot of people are viewing it. He is livid, blames Igantieff, then then drags a piano onto Sparks Street. Astounded tourists and pedestrians are treated to the sight of the prime Minister of Canada belting out Piano Man. In his pajamas. With his arm around Senator Cherry.

V. In the midst of an August election campaign forced by the Opposition, Laureen Harper joins Twitter under the pseudonym Lady LaLa. Under the influence of said substances in said bong, she begins a series of “tell-all” Tweets that bring about the resignations of 8 cabinet members. The media quickly dubs the Tweets HarpiLeaks.

VI. Julian Assange is cleared of all misdeeds and buys the rights to HarpiLeaks for an undisclosed sum. The following Friday, Assange is gunned down while attending an I/T security conference in Kitchener, Ontario. Rumours abound on the Hill that Harper himself ordered the hit. John Baird can not be reached.

VII. While on vacation in Ireland, ex Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams calls CBC News to disclose that John Baird showed up at his door raving about being framed by that bastard Flanagan. Somewhat surprisingly, Williams is hailed as a hero by a nation desperately in need of one.

VIII. In spite of HarpiLeaks, PLUS a leader gone ga-ga, PLUS an Interpol investigation of the Harper Cabinet involvement in the Assanage assassination PLUS a late campaign revelation that former GG MichaĆ«lle Jean was blackmailed into allowing prorogation (the details of which will be revealed in MMXII)… the CPC STILL wins another minority government, losing 3 seats to the Bloq. Voter turnout is 12%.

IX. McGuinty wins another majority after receiving the blessing from the now national hero, Danny Williams. Voter turnout is 89%.

X. In November, Blue Line is awarded the City transit contract and the drivers immediately go on strike.

They are replaced by red dirgibles piloted by OCDSB Trustees that carry on the routes above the Transitway until they are replaced by the newly acquired F-35s – whose pilots were bored with chasing Russian turbo-props, weather balloons and Danish biplanes.

And then they strike after being forced to call out the stops.

Rob Ford states that this would have never happened in Toronto.

Senator Cherry immediately decries all of this as unpatriotic and an affront to the troops.

And Mayor Watson calls Larry to ask if he wants his old job back.

Larry declines.

Happy 2012!